Entry 01: The journey only begins when you are broken.

We think that if we dare to change our lives radically, we will somehow leave all the negative parts of our lives behind. We follow the journey of Elizabeth, a woman who had it all… 
SD X’.

 


 

By Elizabeth Thurber

Entry 1: I’m from New York City. It’s basically the only place I know and thought it was the only place to live. Life was familiar, fun and busy. The word comfortable was how I described my life, but more and more the word predictable was all I kept feeling.

I had a great husband and daughter, a fun job and best friends. After years of working together to build a life we were finally beginning to enjoy the rewards of our hard work. I had the New York face – happy but annoyed, busy but bored. I have always pushed my emotions down, put them into their compartments and moved on with life. I think I have been doing this since I was a young woman but was able to manage it. As I grew up, I constantly struggled with the face I put forward and this lack of fulfilment I felt inside. All the while I say the right things, but deep down I knew it wasn’t true. It was easy to be this fully functioning woman in NYC. I created a busy life and was comfortable in my working woman/mom/wife/friend role. But this feeling was always following me.

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The more I continued to push the feelings down the more hollow I became. I knew this had to change. I wanted to feel happy but had no idea what happy was anymore. There were times when I would hear music and it would open me up and I would cry. It was like feeling happy even for a moment was almost painful now. I had to stop this. I had to force a change. When my husband was presented with an opportunity to move for his job, I jumped on it. Six months later, I was packing up our apartment excited to start our new adventure. I needed this and I pushed my husband for this. I told anyone who would listen this move was for our daughter; we wanted her to see the world and know she could go anywhere and be anything.

I still believe that to be true, but secretly, I was so sure I was going to magically be happy and fulfilled and the feeling of predictability and lack of fulfilment would disappear. I guess I had been depressed for many years but what does depression mean? I have seen depression in its most tragic state and while I say I was depressed I have never wanted to harm myself. For me, depression meant I only just existed. I wasn’t really living. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t sad, I was nothing. After pushing so much down for so long I was actually empty. I provoked changed in the hope that it would help me begin to live again. I didn’t realise the journey only begins after you’ve broken down.

My journey is not a new one as so many have done this before me. But this is my story of depression and change. It’s simple but honest. In the end, I still don’t have it all figured out but that’s ok.

If you wish to read the following entry, just click below:
Entry-2:Hello-amsterdam-now-what


 

 

 

 

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