I remember telling my husband I knew it would be tough to move to a new place but eventually it would all be ok. Six months that’s all it would take and then we would be fine. I was wrong. I’ve been through some tough times but this was bad. Facing my depression was not the direction I thought this adventure would take.
I knew that time helps and heals and ultimately you move on; but I really just wanted this change to happen fast. Its’ overwhelming to think you have it all together only to find out you know nothing about yourself. Is this a mid-life crisis? Oh my god when did I become middle aged?
At this point I am avoiding people and living a very solitary life. One of the things I love about my relationship with my husband is our independence. We were two independent people who came together and compliment each other. Over time, I was depending on him more and more to be my social life and confidant and it was shifting the balance in our relationship. He was worrying about his travel schedule and leaving me alone. That wasn’t helping. Instead of complimenting each other, I was expecting him to fix me. That’s too much to ask of another person. At his suggestion, I contacted his companies global support group. They would help me find a job or something and that would fix everything. We both continued to think I needed something outside to fix me instead of realizing it was an internal problem.
The initial conversion with the coordinator went fine at first. She asked me some simple questions and we had a causal chat. When she started to ask me to compare life in NYC to life in Amsterdam the conversation got a bit dark. She got quieter and took a lot of notes. She quickly said a career coach was not the right direction and would I be interested in a Life coach. I said I would basically do anything to help me out of this dark place. She suggested 3 sessions with a Life coach and then we would talk again. The life coach was very nice. She was a mix of directness and compassion. As our first session ended, she said I would need 10 sessions.
Entry 5 – Stop telling me to find my passion
My husband is a good man. He really believes in dreams and goals and works hard to reach his and always encourages me to reach for mine.
I used to think my goal in life was to be a mom. After I got married I immediately wanted to start trying for a family. Getting pregnant ended up being very difficult and it took us 4 years before we had our daughter. Through those years of trying, my focus remained singularly placed on achieving my end goal, a baby. I would stop at nothing. The weird thing was, when I finally achieved my goal I didn’t feel that sensation of fulfillment. I remember watching the Yankees win the World Series and they all jumped on each other celebrating. I wanted to feel that sensation and I really thought that’s how I would feel once I had my baby. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get that feeling.
My husband always likes to ask what is my dream? And what he could do to help me achieve that dream. I would always say I don’t know, and slowly began to hate the question, I didn’t have a dream, and I felt like a loser each time I was asked. I couldn’t get past my own emptiness to even think I deserved a dream.
Back in New York, I was busy and didn’t have to think about my lack of a dream or feeling unfulfilled. But now in Amsterdam it was the big fat elephant in the room with me each day. I constantly read articles about people who found their passion or achieved success because they followed their dreams. I kept searching and reading hoping one of them would unlock something inside of me. I realized I didn’t like those people. I just kept thinking what is wrong with me that I can’t seem to find “my thing”. I decided finding your passion was a bunch of BS. It had to have been developed my some marketer and now we are all feeling less than great cause we can seem to do what we love and love what we do. It’s much easier to blame someone else when you aren’t ready to accept your lack of motivation.
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