I debated how I should write this part. I have the cutesy title but the subject is real and not cute. My story is about my struggles with my depression and how I came through it. This entry is not about how I managed depression but more about one of the reason I was still empty.
As I said before I had a lot of stuff inside and I had been up till now able to hide all of it Part of my struggle here was because I had to face some things from my past. If I wanted to be happy I had to address my unhappiness.
We struggled with pregnancy but what I didn’t say was I am actually the mother of 3 children but only one survived. In August 2005 I was pregnant with a little girl. I had gotten very sick and was dying. In order to save me they had to deliver and at 26 weeks weighing just 1 pound Georgia was born. She lived only 21 minutes. I remember my husband saying he could reconcile his sorrow knowing her death meant I lived. In the US the quarters (coins) have the different states on them. I always collect the Georgia quarters. I have never been able to spend them. I have a piggy bank full of them.
Time passed, we healed our hearts and began to explore our options. Knowing the risk we decided to try again with IVF, doctor care and special medication. I was pregnant and expecting twins. Funny thing – we did tests on the babies and while at the doctor’s office I sat on a quarter. It was a Georgia state quarter.
The pregnancy went well but at 27 weeks I went into labor. Charlie came first followed by our daughter. They were so small but alive and fighting to stay that way. Weeks went by and we had highs and lows but the babies were thriving. On a dime everything changed. They got sick. Our daughter fought but Charlie just didn’t. At 10 weeks old he quietly passed away in my arms. I remember the exact moment I fell head over heels in love with that little boy. My heart never felt anything like that. I think that’s the feeling I had been searching for. Two weeks later he was gone and there was no reason that could reconcile this pain. Instead of grieving, I focused every bit of energy into our little girl and willed her to get better. She did and came home. She is now 9, happy and healthy and wonderfully quirky.
I never talked about Charlie. If you didn’t know me from those days you would never know. My family and friends never discussed him and my husband and I never talked about him. My husband wanted to and he always honored Charlie’s memory, but I couldn’t. I pushed it all down and moved forward. A part of me died and was replaced by a cold rock. I thought about Charlie all the time and would cry but then stop and push it down again. The pain was unbearable and it was just easier not to feel anything. I kept a distance even from my daughter. The fear of attaching then losing her was so raw and real.
As I have said all along. I managed years going through the motions and just getting by. I was happy and enjoyed my family and friends but there was always this behind the scenes emptiness. Once we moved I couldn’t keep this behind the scenes. The first session with the coach and I was crying about Charlie and my feeling of loss and guilt towards my daughter. It was a slobbering messy session.
Once I started taking I could not stop. I talked to the coach, to my husband, to my sisters. If you want to talk about Charlie, I would love to. I was finally talking. It felt great and incredibly sad. It was hard but acting like he never existed was harder and not fair to him or me. I still cry but actually feel the crying is good. It’s healing me. By releasing Charlie into the world I could start healing and start to deal with my depression.
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