Having a relationship dip? Porn is not the answer!

By Mariette Reineke. 

Watching porn together with your partner does miracles for your relationship. Is that so? I am reading a news article about a study they have done among couples.

When your relationship is going through a dip, porn is the answer, so it says. Porn as a quick fix for your relationship dip, but is that truly the answer? And which relationship is actually having the dip: the one with your partner or the one with yourself?

The study shows that most of those surveyed watch porn now and then but that they don’t watch it together. Result of the study: we should do “it” more often, and more together. The article also talks about a new phenomenon called ‘porna’, movies that have more warmth and love, besides the sexual pleasures. Warmth and love, now who is not in need of that? We all want that, and mostly from our partner and loved ones close to us. At least I do, but actually I want more than that. I want connection, the feeling that I am being seen and met, accepted and appreciated, and that I can be all of me, in full expression, with all that I am (and that I am not). Bottom line: I want intimacy. An intangible word for most of my life which had an exclusive image around it: intimacy took place between the four walls of the bedroom.

But then I found out that true intimacy has actually nothing to do with this room, nor with sex. Intimacy starts way before we lay ourselves to bed. It has to do with making love, and how we make love during our day, with everything that we do, the way we move and relate with all those around us. When there is no connection during the day, you can do your best in bed, but the intimacy is missing. If both partners are living out of connection and expression with themselves and each other, it is not possible to have intimacy. If we don’t appreciate ourselves and our partner, there is no intimacy.

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I have had my share in dips and lows in my relationships, the ‘is this all there is?’ moments, the looking outside, the search for love and the need for distraction. I can see my part in all the relationships I have had and can say now that all these dips and lows were my own. They had nothing to do with my partners, but with my own relationship. Or actually, the lack of it. I had a lot of needs and was trying to fill up that empty feeling that was constantly nagging me. My own lack of self-worth and love were constantly there but I did not want to deal with them. I had no intimacy with myself, so how could I have this with another?

Intimacy is about surrendering, shredding down that wall that we all build around ourselves for protection, because we don’t want to get hurt. Intimacy is about truth, and taking your responsibility for your reactions, emotions and choices. Intimacy is about connection, appreciation and expressing what needs to be expressed.

The fascinating thing is that when we experience a downer, we all go searching outside for an upper. We want something fun, exciting, thrilling and different that gives us a temporary relief and distraction from that what we are missing: ourselves. But what happens after our upper? An even bigger confrontation with our emptiness. And so we live happily ever after from downer to upper and back again, constantly searching for new toys. Porn is one of those toys but not the answer to that what we are looking for or think we need. It does not do any miracles to any relationship, but it creates an even bigger distance.

Let’s be honest here: the jump into the deep pool of intimacy can be quite challenging and vulnerable. It makes us feel raw and naked at times, asking us to become more honest and transparent. We all want warmth and love, but do we actually feel this for ourselves? Porn is a bandage for the wound that is the result from a lack of intimacy. A silent wound that slumbers in most relationships, because we don’t give ourselves that warmth, love and appreciation that we are all craving for.

With love from She Dares writing group. This is intriguing blogs written by a group members, if you feel inspired to contribute…. don’t be shy!

Contact & join the group: tellmemore@shedares.net

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