A woman, friend of mine, asked me some days ago: “what do you think is the most important: the foreplay/arousal or the connection between partners after having sex?” Good question, I thought, and a lot of answers came into my mind. So, it might be a little different when we consider women and men separately.
Talking about woman, the arousal is very important for her body to get ready to “receive” the partner inside. I refer to chemical responses of the vagina. But, what does a woman need to get aroused? Studies show that women’s libido (sexual impulse) is less then men’s libido. Biologically speaking, the explanation is that men are build to get aroused easier in order to procreate and ensure as many more descendants as possible. While women need some time to give birth and take care of the babies.
This means women get aroused easier when they are fertile and some hormones are responsible for this. In other words, women’s libido appears to be related to the different phases of their period. So, they still have sexual needs when they are not fertile but then the men needs to ‘work harder’ in order to arouse her. I remember a quote from Allan Pease which made me smile: ”men are like microwaves while women are like an electric oven”. He explains that men “light up” instantly, function at full capacity in a few seconds and can stop quickly. Women “warm up” and get the “right temperature” in time, last more and get some time to cool off.
So let’s turn back to our question. For women both the foreplay/arousal and the connection after having sex are very important. And for the arousal to happen she needs to feel excitement which usually comes from emotions. She needs an emotional connection before having sex (which might be real or projected – I mean imagined). However, women do something funny with sex: women assume men are eager for penetration and therefor shorten their own arousal process. But the more a woman claims the arousal process for herself, the better the sex is likely to be for them both of them.
A woman also needs connection (talking, caressing, lounging, etc.) after the sexual intercourse, otherwise she would feel abandoned or worse…used. For a man is enough only to see a woman to get aroused and after the sexual intercourse he needs…to sleep, because he feels…relieved. However, and this is where we challenged the status quo. If a woman is not fully satisfied and still feels aroused when her darling has falling to sleep, she should take matters into her own hands (or electrical devices) without being afraid to offend him. Because we all need a happy ending.
This is how nature works. For men and women to have a satisfying sexual life is important to know each other’s needs in order to show they care about their partner. A man must learn to make her feel special whatever this special means and a woman must understand that if he falls asleep, this does not mean he doesn’t care. Paying attentions both to one’s own needs and partner’s needs might be the key. Or ask for some help when you feel lost. There are always specialized people ready to help.